Finger on the Pulse: Why Prostate Play Doesn’t Make You Gay (Unless You Want It To)

I host the kind of parties your mother warned you about. The music is sultry, the wine flows like water, and the robes get looser as the night goes on. But beyond the glitter and the grind, I find myself playing therapist, confidante, and sometimes myth-buster.

Last weekend, between offering a tray of chocolate-dipped strawberries and introducing two new guests to the hanging swing in the bedroom, a gentleman pulled me aside. He looked shy, swirling his drink like it might reveal the answers at the bottom.

“Can I ask you something? If I want someone to… you know, put a finger in my butt… does that make me gay?”

I nearly laughed—not at him, but at how many times I’ve been asked that exact question. So let’s set the record straight (pun intended): wanting a little prostate play does not make you gay. What makes you gay—or bi, or pan, or queer—is who you’re attracted to, not which nerves you’re smart enough to stimulate.

First thing’s first - gay isn’t an insult. Let’s be clear. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. Or bi. Or curious. Or delightfully undefined. We’re all somewhere on the spectrum, sliding up and down that scale depending on mood, chemistry, or tequila.

But here’s the thing: gay is about who you desire. The prostate is about how you enjoy your body. If your fantasy stars your girlfriend (or wife, or situationship) and her finger, then you’re still squarely in hetero territory. Unless, of course, you’d like to wander elsewhere, which is perfectly fabulous too.

Here’s your anatomy lesson, cocktail-party style: the prostate is a walnut-sized gland nestled just a couple of inches inside the backdoor. It’s wired with more nerve endings than a switchboard, and when stimulated, it can give men orgasms that make the regular kind feel like a polite handshake.

I’ve seen faces at these parties transform under a partner’s careful touch—eyes wide, jaw slack, as though they’ve just discovered the secret to the universe. Spoiler: the universe lives right behind the perineum.

Why the hangup? Because somewhere along the line, society decided that anything involving a man’s butt was the exclusive property of gay men. It’s outdated nonsense, really. That logic is like saying women who like oral sex must secretly be gay because a mouth is involved. Ridiculous, right?

Men have been conditioned to guard their masculinity like a dragon guards treasure. But masculinity doesn’t evaporate the second a finger crosses the border. If anything, it deepens—a man who owns his pleasure without shame is far sexier than one who shuts down from fear.

At my last party, I watched a two folks explore this for the first time. She wore pearls (not that kind); he wore the nervous grin of a teenager sneaking into a liquor store. A little lube, a lot of giggles, and within minutes, he was clutching the sheets like his life depended on it.

Afterward, he confessed with the dazed sincerity of a man who’d just seen God: “I thought orgasms were one thing. Turns out, they’re something else entirely.”

Was he suddenly gay? No. Was he suddenly enlightened? Absolutely.

Look, the first time can feel awkward. You might clench up. You might squeak. You might both dissolve into laughter. That’s part of the fun. Pleasure doesn’t have to be solemn—it can be silly, messy, and deeply human.

And let’s not forget: it’s her finger. Her hand. Her playful grin. If that’s not hetero as hell, I don’t know what is.

Practical Notes for the Curious

Because you know I love to mix practical wisdom with naughty indulgence:

• Prep Matters: A quick rinse makes everyone more relaxed.

• Lube Is Your Best Friend: This is not the moment for dryness.

• Start Slow: Tease, circle, breathe. Let curiosity lead, not force.

• Talk Through It: Half the fun is narrating, asking, and encouraging.

Here’s what I tell nervous men clutching their wine glasses at my parties: your body belongs to you. If you deny yourself pleasure because you’re afraid of what it “says” about you, you’re not being noble—you’re being robbed.

Exploration doesn’t change your identity. It just expands your experience. And if you happen to discover along the way that your desires lean in new directions? Congratulations. You’ve just learned more about yourself. That’s called growth.

So no, wanting your girlfriend to massage your prostate doesn’t make you gay. It makes you human. Curious. Brave enough to seek more than the default settings.

And whether you’re straight, gay, bi, or gloriously undefined, here’s my invitation: stop worrying about what the act “means,” and start paying attention to how it feels.

At the end of the night, isn’t that what we’re all here for? Pleasure. Connection. A little laughter between the moans.

So raise a glass—to curiosity, to nerve endings, and to the little walnut of joy inside every man.